There have been many times in my life where I have felt broken and shallow inside. The brokenness was usually caused by the realization that an expectation that I had put all of my hopes and dreams into had failed. It had broken. Most of the time when nursing that feeling of brokenness, I found that I had a tendency to want to find who had let me down and how their failure to be or do as I had expected was the grave error in the breaking of me.
After a while when finding no one else to blame for my brokenness, I started trying to find ways to soothe and mask the pain of what was going on inside of me. One of the many ways I attempted this was to fix or sharpen every material aspect of my life. I made sure to put my energy into earning enough finances so that I could afford to have the best outward appearance. I wanted to look in the mirror and see someone who was well put together despite all of the brokenness inside. I wanted to make sure I had the best hair, clothes, shoes, home, electronics, food, smile (even practicing it at times) I made sure to perfect my manners, my voice, how to show that I was listening attentively when someone was speaking, clean and organize everything around me except for the spirit within me. I chose instead to feed and nurture “Miss Material”. I had created the false sense of security in believing that this was me taking control of my situation and bettering myself.
I don’t remember the moment that I realized that this was not working. Maybe it was all of the hours I lay in bed awake at night with my inner thoughts, left alone with myself. I was forced to re-play every situation, event, moment that played a hand in the hurt and brokenness I felt. In that process, I decided to take an honest look at me. I put my spirit in the mirror. I took a look at my thought patterns. I investigated my spiritual face and all of the spiritual make-up I had invested in to hide my true self. I felt the suffocation of my spirit from being pushed in a box to make room for what I wanted to appear to be on the outside. I saw the broken limbs and bruises of my being from all of the times I had beaten myself for not accepting my choices and thought it better to punish myself while blaming others. I was exhausted. I realized the more I relied on Miss Material to soothe my outer being, my inner being was getting sicker.
I knew I had to start working towards a healthy and balanced me. I had to make sure that I placed as much attention and focus on who I was inside as I did on who I wanted to appear to be on the outside.
This was very difficult work. The first task was to get rid of the trash. I had to get rid of the comfort of blaming others. I had to get rid of self hatred and self doubt. I had to learn to accept my choices regardless of the consequence they brought. I had to let go of self righteousness and my own self serving indulgences. I had to embrace humility and learn to listen. I had to learn how to feel things that were not pleasant to feel and learn not to dismiss them for not stroking my ego.I had to learn how to appreciate every single blessing, down to what seemed the smallest of things. It felt like an every moment type of workout but I was determined. It seemed the more I worked on being a better me the more work there was to do but I continued. I continue to this very day. It isn’t always easy but is not hard anymore. It is just the way I am choosing to live. I am choosing to put the same energy into taking good care of my inner self as I do in taking care of the outer.
Ifayinka 