I am the Mama who fled in the night from an abusive relationship, with my infant daughter in my arms and my sister at my side. I was sixteen years young. I am the Mama who three years later, handed that same daughter over to her father because I felt that she needed him in her life even though he and I had not healed our brokenness. I am the Mama who has eight children with five men, seven of my children were born before I was thirty years old. I am the Mama who sat in a car as my daughter’s father drove 100 mph threatening to kill me and my unborn child if I did not get an abortion. I am the Mama who attempted suicide while pregnant because I felt hopeless and ashamed. I am the Mama who weaned and left my five month old daughter with my mother and went on a missionary trip to Europe for two months. I am the Mama who pushed my first born son out while I was emotionally removed and suffering a broken heart from an unimaginable infidelity. I am the Mama who held onto the door of a moving car while I was pregnant begging my husband at the time not to leave our family. I am the Mama who had an abortion although I did not want one. I am the Mama who carried and gave birth to the child of a man who told me he would not live to see thirty, a few days before his 27th birthday I stood at his casket and sobbed with our eight month old son in my arms. I am the Mama who went through IVF to conceive and give birth to a child with the man who loved me and married me while I had seven children.
I am the Mama who would spazz out over a dirty kitchen. I am the Mama who wouldn’t allow my children to stay the night over their friends houses, I am the Mama who would wake everyone up in the house in the middle of the night if their chores were not complete. I am the Mama who threw legos, yep at a child. I am the Mama who had long talks about life choices and made my children watch documentaries. I am the Mama who had girl talk and discussed anything my daughter’s needed to talk about or had questions about. I am the Mama who chose to allow my son to have thirty-three eye surgeries to save his eyesight and questioned each time if it was the right thing to do. I am the Mama who allowed my daughter the choice to leave home to live with her father’s family when she was just six years old. I am the Mama who lied to my daughter and told her she had HIV as an attempt to keep her from being promiscuous when she was just thirteen. I am the Mama who allowed my son to go live with his father for a few months even though I knew his father was an alcoholic. I am the Mama who allowed my eighteen year old daughter to drive up the interstate, even though I did not think it was a good idea, my daughter didn’t make it twenty minutes up the road before she lost her life. I am the Mama who who wandered lost in a state of grief for years, completely emotionally unavailable for my children who were still here and needed me. I am the Mama who made my son go to rehab. I am the Mama who made another one sleep outside while he was high, refusing to allow him in my house. I am the Mama who has spanked each and every one of my children at some point. I am the Mama who couldn’t imagine why I would ever spank a child now.
I am the Mama who demands my children love each other, respect each other, show up for each other. I am the Mama who has fallen short time and time again. There were times where the only thing I had to give to my children was my love, my heart, and my truth. I am the Mama who always gave that much and will continue until I am no more.
Ifayinka 