There is no way to capture the entire picture of the strength it takes to live through and survive being sexually assaulted as a young child. The mental anguish, the fear, the secrecy, the insecurities, the confusion and isolation are tremendous. I have heard countless stories, and I will probably never understand and definitely never accept pedophilia as part of a society in which I live. I have often heard it stated that one of the evils of being assaulted as a child is that the child is not given a choice. As a person who once was such a child, I can tell you that it wasn’t the lack of my freedom of choice that haunted me. It was the choices that I felt compelled to make at such a young age in order to get through such trauma, with no true concept of the self destructive consequences those choices would bring. I chose to accept something that felt wrong and filthy, which taught me to lack value in myself. I chose to believe the lies that were being told to me because it felt easier than facing the truth, which caused me to develop a habit of feeling powerless, helpless and empty. I chose to believe that I could challenge the sexual desires of an adult man on my own. That taught me to accept being hunted, preyed upon and used.
I don’t know how I did it, but I am so proud of that nine year old little girl who also made the choice one night to fight. Who foolishly thought the nightmare was over because this man, this person she was taught to obey and respect would never physically touch her again. I was in no way prepared for the psychological damage that came along with what had taken me two years to finally work up the courage to speak on. I wasn’t prepared to be called a liar, and treated as such. I wasn’t prepared to be forced to become a prisoner in the only home I knew, as this man walked around flaunting the fact that his behavior and violation of me did nothing to destroy his acceptance by the people who I looked to and depended on for help, safety, and comfort. I marinated in that reality and it nearly destroyed my life. It was the beginning of self destructive behavior in which I chose to allow myself to be available to any of the older boys and men who sought out my emptiness as a place to dump their illicit sexual desires, well before I completed puberty. I learned that there was no power in the word no. I had become comfortable with complying and suppressing the sick feeling it left inside of me and the thoughts I created in order to feel some sense of normalcy.
I often wonder how it was that no one seemed to care enough about me to see my deep suffering. It was a darkness that accompanied me everywhere. How could people accept the smiles on my face and the laughter from my voice when they were filled with confusion, hurt and pain? Almost every person I once had love and respect for was hated by me. I simply did not believe that they cared for me or the quality of my life. My hurt turned to anger and my need to destroy myself intensified. There were times I would take long walks alone and cry to God to please release me because I was weary of pretending that I was okay. I knew that I was not living the life I wanted, I knew I had to change, I just did not know how that was even possible. I would never have childhood innocence again. My unsuccessful attempt to take my own life led me to take pride in the fact that my innocence had been long gone. That pride led me to live dangerously and carelessly. I was thirteen years old, it would take a miracle to change me, and somehow a miracle is exactly what happened.
My miracle came in the form of a woman who was a kind stranger. A woman who went through her own personal hell by losing her own daughter to the sexual sickness of the man she was married to. A woman who met me when I was completely broken and in need of Divine healing. She found peace in helping me to heal and I found healing in her way of living in peace.
It took a few years, it took the sacrifice of being hundreds of miles from my own family and everything I knew that was familiar. It took two years of having no contact with anything that was part of the world as I knew it to be. It took long deeply honest conversations, meditations and confrontations to be able to understand the depth of the trauma and my power to change me.
It took someone loving me, and having the patience to hold my hand while I found a new normal. I was able to shed the destructive belief system of being a victim. I was taught the possibility of living the rest of my life with a healthy mind, spirit and body. It became my deepest desire to do just that. It took awhile for the nightmares to stop haunting me. It took some time before I began to believe that I was worthy of blessings, but time was on my side. Each day brought me an opportunity to bathe myself in healthiness until it became my habit to do so. I was able to face the ugliness that overshadowed my childhood and find all of the goodness that I had forgotten existed in my life. Eventually I was able to forgive and love so that I could be free. I was able to destroy the rotten foundation I had built for myself and develop a healthy foundation to build on.
I know that my story isn’t always the way the story ends for many of the young ones who face trauma. As I face each day, I pray that the reality of my existence and determination to live the very best life, breathes hope to all of those I encounter who have a similar story living inside of them. My prayer is that they find the path of healing. Ase!
I now understand that every single time I tried to destroy myself, it was Ifa (my Divine destiny) Eepa Ifa!! My Egbe (Heavenly Society), My Egun (Ancestors) My Ori (Inner self) and my Orisa (Ore yeye Osun! Ogun ye! Eepa Orisa!) who protected me and eventually led me to where I stand today. May I always be grateful for every experience and every person that helped me, noteably my beloved Ummi Asiya who transitioned from this earthly existence many years ago. My heart will forever be grateful for her love, her kindness, her teaching, her ability to reach into the darkness and pull me out. I know she sees my spirit and I pray that she is proud. May her spirit be elevated and honored. Ase!!!
Ifayinka 