Thirty Years of Motherhood

It was 30 years ago… 

Most of it is still fresh in my mind. I was sixteen years old. At the time, I was homeless. I stayed with friends of my then husband, who was also sixteen years old. The night before, I received a phone call from my grandmother informing me that my mother was in a coma and on life support. I was hundreds of miles away and I felt so helpless. My in-laws at the time, allowed me to stay the weekend in their home with my husband. I didn’t know what a contraction was, but I slept through most of the weekend, not knowing that I was suffering from a kidney infection. That Monday morning, I was alone in the house because everyone was working. A neighbor came to check on me, realizing that I had a pretty high fever she encouraged me to drink water. When she asked me if I was hurting, I told her that my back was hurting pretty bad. When she went to feel my back for the area, she being a mother of six children realized that I was having contractions. She put my hands on my belly and said “Do you feel how your belly is getting hard, that is a contraction. I want you to write down every time you feel one. I will try to get someone to contact your husband, and I will come back to check on you.” I was alone once again. She checked on me a few more times, insisting I drink. 

A few hours later my mother in law returned home. By that time, I was contracting regularly, about every four to five minutes, but I was too weak to get out of the bed. My mother in law, realizing what was happening, encouraged me to shower and dress for the hospital while she got my husband to secure us a ride. After getting dressed, I sat on the stairs waiting for my young husband, worried about my mother, unaware of what was only a few hours ahead for me. I was a little shocked. I wasn’t due for another five in a half weeks. I didn’t know if this was normal or not. My mother in law looked at me and asked me if I was ready. I said shyly “sure”… She chuckled and she began to try to explain to me what to expect as the hours passed. I could not hear her words, as I was exhausted and by this time in such terrible pain that I couldn’t form many words. 

My husband arrived and we began our journey to the hospital. In the back of the car, he held my hand. His hands were warm and sweaty. We did not say one word to each other. When we arrived at the hospital, I was met with a staff of frustrated nurses and doctors. They were upset at my age (another uninformed teenager) They were bothered by my religious beliefs (they hoped I understood that there were male doctors who were going to care for me) They were bothered by my ignorance (why didn’t I get there sooner so they could stop this early birth). Their frustration was felt in everything they said and did while I was in their care. As the contractions grew closer and the pain increased, I began to scream and cry. My young husband stood by my side helpless trying to comfort me to no avail. I asked him to please not touch me. Finally, a doctor came to check me. I remember him saying “We are going to break your water” I remember the warm gush and looking at my husband proclaiming “I don’t think I can do this!” 

The doctor began screaming at me “Stop pushing! Stop pushing!” but I couldn’t stop. They immediately begin to roll me out of the room and into an OR where with two pushes my very first child emerged to take her first breath on this earth, and I my first breath on a profound journey of motherhood. 

We gave her the names of her two grandmothers, Safia Zuleyka.

They did not allow her to stay with me for long after her birth. Her breathing was not steady due to her immature lungs, so she was whisked away to a special nursery. In the little time the two of us did share immediately after her birth, I remember counting her fingers and toes, inspecting every inch of her, and knowing that she was perfect. I knew in that moment if I was faced to decide between my life and hers. I would choose hers over mine without hesitation. 

My daughter decided to come to earth through me, a very young woman. She has seen me grow up right before her eyes. She has experienced me fumble through motherhood as a clueless teenager, and she has seen me stand strong and decisive as a mature woman. She has seen me at my very best and my worst. She has been one of the most constant forces of love in my life. When I look at her, I know that my life has had purpose and meaning.

Happy 30th Birthday to US!!!