I understand that it was never intended to cause any harm, but just because we do not intend harm doesn’t mean we are exempt from causing it. I understand that the principles behind the words were intended to teach me respect and discipline, but everything ain’t for everybody.
The phrases are etched into my mind “Children are to be seen and not heard.” and “You better stay in a child’s place.” I didn’t absorb these phrases as conflict until they were. Until being seen and not heard silenced me, and staying in a child’s place crippled me, and both fostered an environment for me to suffer through abuse at the hands of an adult who had the power to see, hear and place himself wherever he wanted when it came to me.
My mother was the first adult who thought it was important for me to tell her how I felt about things. She was working on healing herself and as part of that process she recognized the need for her two little girls to heal as well. I had spent the majority of my first ten years of life away from my parents, and although it was my mother’s intention to retrieve and raise us, she knew this would not be an easy feat. So she started by getting to know who we had grown into.
It was simple stuff, she wanted to know how we felt about washing dishes. What music we liked. How we wanted to dress. She wanted to know who our friends were in school, or who we were having trouble with this week. She didn’t want to advise us, she just wanted us to be comfortable with her entry into our world. As part of this process of re-entry, she began to insist that we spend time with our father as well.
I always knew who my parents were. For some reason, although I stopped living with them when I was only two years old, I had a longing for them. I felt that I was supposed to be with them. When I was very small, I would express this by throwing a fit every time they came to visit me and left without me. I would kick and scream and fling my arms in protest. It would take my grandmother time to calm me down and make it clear to me that my behavior was unacceptable. Until eventually, I learned to stop throwing fits. I learned to keep my feelings and emotions about my parents between me and my little sister.So when my mother opened a pathway for a relationship with my father, I was ready.
Being at my father’s house was unlike anywhere I had ever been before. He was not a man who hid who he was. He had no interest in conforming to the demands of the world outside of his truth. He never came off as a know it all adult. He certainly had no desire to have me be seen and not heard, and he wanted me to know that I was responsible for my place in the world. He had a belief that as human beings, family, people who loved each other, we had a responsibility to listen to each other, hear each other, consider each other, respect each other. All of us, adults included. Whenever a decision had to be made that would affect all of us, he would have us gather to sit and talk through it. My siblings and I first referred to these as LBT’s, Long Boring Talks probably because we were faced with the reality of having to sit and consider something or someone other than just ourselves. My father insisted that we speak up and use our voices. He wanted to know who we were. He appreciated the way we saw things and was often inspired by what he considered our wisdom at a young age. He taught me how to be okay with being honest. I was learning discipline without even realizing it, we sat and talked until our issues were resolved. It was a way of showing care for each other. There was no demand to see things one way, I learned that I can see things many different ways, but most importantly to stand in the truth by having knowledge and not assumption. Often this takes time, patience, communication and compassion, but I have always walked away a little stronger and wiser, even when I didn’t start in that place, the love melted me.
I did not have appreciation for this at first, but as I grew older, I began to depend on it as a way to be in the world. Long Boring Talks became known as raps, a way to gain clarity and insight with each other. A safe space to talk about the challenges that we face in our lives in a trusted circle. I didn’t raise my children to be seen and not heard. I allowed them to see me and hear me. I encouraged them to allow me to see them and hear them, their truth, their experiences. I didn’t demand they stay in a child’s place. I encouraged them to be proactive in our resolve and take their places as intelligent beings in our family.
As we sit and watch the world as we have come to know it change, right before our eyes. I encourage us to have clear intentions in what we are pouring into our children.
My grandmother and my father have both returned to our eternal home. My mother continues to take interest in my life and now offers her advice. I carry in my spirit the wisdom and appreciation for the lessons that they all poured into my being. May they continue to live in and through me. Ase!
Ifayinka 